So, when I started to feel ill this time, I did what I knew best, and I doubled down again. And this is where I think my mind and body stepped in to take over and force me to rest. I had a toothache, and because I didn’t make it a priority to see a doctor it developed into an ear infection. This wasn't just any old ear infection though. This one played with my balance and equilibrium, and I was left feeling nauseous all the time. You’d think this would stop me? It didn’t!
There was simply too much to do, work hard, play hard, right? Well, the playing had stopped because I was really ill. I did finally see the doctor who was incredulous at why it had taken me so long to book an appointment. But just before this happened I had the most bizarre out-of-body experience I had ever encountered. And when I described it to him even he didn’t recognize it as a panic attack.
As I looked across the road to see if I could pull onto the hard shoulder. I was in a complete panic as the hard shoulder was closed due to motorway improvements. I was feeling dizzy, I had pins and needles in my hands, my heart was racing. With the dizziness I was convinced I was going to pass out. I was trying to take in what had just happened and see what my exit route was. Whilst I couldn’t get off or stop, I could see the services were only a mile away. I remember thinking ‘If I can just make it to them I’ll be okay’. I manoeuvred over to the inside lane and I took the exit. My plan was to get some food and a drink. 'My blood sugar was probably low after such a long day', I told myself.
Once awake the next morning I dressed for work, business as usual. Work hard, play hard. This time when I got in the car however, I didn’t feel safe. That lasting thought that I would pass out, kill myself and everyone else on the road remained. Each and every time I got in the car I was scared, frightened and the more I persisted the worse it got. As winter arrived I opted to get the train more and more, and I was hardly driving at all. Even driving a mile would leave me with complete overwhelm.
And it was exhausting, I’d never worked so hard. I was easily falling asleep at night. A welcome rest bite from how my mind was overthinking every situation, every possible outcome. Surprised by the new levels with which my mind could go to imagine the worst possible case. Things I’ve never thought of before.
At first, anxiety had been specific to driving, but soon I started second guessing and considering all options for everything in my life. I was no longer working hard or playing hard. I was burnt out. The extra time and overthinking it took to go anywhere and do anything was exhausting. I decided to stop lying to myself about what was happening and talk to my GP. Talking to him helped me to make some sort of order to it. Explaining how bad it had got helped me to see clearly how I wanted to resolve it. I already had an idea that hypnosis might help, I can’t remember now why I had this idea in my mind. By chance, I picked up a leaflet in the GP’s office that day. Whilst it wasn’t something he could recommend or prescribe he knew me well enough to know that if I thought it would help. It was the right course of action for me.
I didn't do much research (seeking to compare therapists in my area). I took immediate action and called to book a session. I had 4 sessions and right from the start I felt better. More equipped to get in the car and able to cope with my out of control thoughts. Better in control of my thoughts with tools to use when I felt anxious. I still found motorways a challenge. Over the sessions we worked through those thoughts and emotions I’d felt during the panic attack. Gradually I felt able to drive on more roads. Building my confidence on familiar roads and ultimately overcoming that fear of the M1.
"I feel like me again!" that was my answer, when asked how hypnotherapy had helped me. My severe anxiety had gone and I was able to live my life without overthinking every thought or decision.
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